This is Mackey’s first solo blog. You can find her on Twitter @Mackey4Saw.
So, astute readers may have noticed some photos of me floating here and there across the internet, specifically on this site, but God only knows where those watermark-less bastards may have gotten by now.
Let me tell you a story. It begins one Sunday afternoon as I am idly drawing on my arm with a sharpie. There’s a pattern of connected spirals I like to doodle, and I was bored and had remembered how much fun I used to have in elementary and high school, drawing on myself and sometimes on my friends.
So, I’m about up to the elbow and wondering if I should quit when I ran out of arm or move on to some other part when Sean walks in and, without a second’s hesitation says, “It would be really hot if you kept going,” and it’s not like I was busy with anything else.
Well, shenanigans ensued and I’m now clickbait as well as a contributor on the site. This is an interesting new role for me, but I like it.
Here’s another story about me and pictures. I suppose a lot of people can agree with me that pics can be both a blessing and a curse when it comes to self image. For me, though, they’re sometimes also my only accurate means of telling what I actually look like, and even that can take months or longer.
A while ago I lost somewhere between 5 and 7 years to bulimia. Yeah, I mean lost. I walked around and had a boyfriend I basically ignored, but I wasn’t present: I made no personal progress, I had almost no thoughts outside of the bulimia cycle, and I have very few memories of that time.When your whole life is eat, puke, repeat, there’s just not much there to record, you know?
I couldn’t pay bills because anxiety kept me from even looking at them and anyway I spent most of my money on food that, well, you know. The medical term is forced emesis. Fun fact!
By the way, this isn’t specifically a mental health blog, but it is a personal blog for both of us. As mental illness has had a strong effect on both of us, you are gonna hear about it from time to time, as stories and events warrant.
Anyway, I did recover and so long as I keep my self care top notch I am a fairly engaged and intact human being. It’s great! One thing that’s taken longer to shake is dysmorphia. You know that obnoxious phrase about a person with anorexia looking in the mirror and seeing only fat? That’s dysmorphia. It can happen other ways too, a very muscular person may see themselves as too thin, for example. There’s a measurable difference in how the brain processes images, which is pretty fascinating, in that human tragedy sort of way.
I considered it a huge step in my recovery when I could actually remember what my face looked like (and another when I stopped hating it!). But body dysmorphia still comes and goes for me. Pictures can’t help me when I’m stuck in it. They’re just like little mirrors. But after a while, when I no longer identify so strongly with the person in that picture, then I can see it and wonder where all those flaws I definitely saw ran off to.
I really love the photos on this site, and while that may just be the luck of having a good brain day, I also think it has a lot to do with the fun we had taking them. What I especially adore isn’t my body (though I’m not gonna knock it), it’s the sharpie art. Its like I got to write “This is mine” all over me. It was totally impromptu, it really speaks to me, and it makes me happy to have that kind of signature on my body.
The plan is to have semi-regular shoots and I am on board with continuing to share them as long as they continue to build me up and make me happy.
Now, you may be asking, “But Mackey, as a feminist, aren’t you a little conflicted about putting yourself out there for people to ogle? Perhaps wank to?”
Frankly, no. Sharing these photos voluntarily is consent. Anybody inclined to view them can assume they are invited to do so. Pics I wasn’t comfortable sharing are, shocker, not here.
Illegitimi non carborundum,
(Sean here. I hope you enjoyed this post as much as I did. If you are interested in seeing some of Mackey’s tastefully sexy photos, check out her gallery: Mackey4Seeing (Photos).