Look at my F***ing Cats!

My cats are such adorable f***ing a**holes.

pud2
Trying to look innocent

Look at this chucklef***k. Look at his f***ing face!
This is the Puddyman. I didn’t get to name the cute piece of s**t. I got him as a grown up kitty and he came with the name Puddin’. Is that not some stupid f***ing s**t?
But the name stuck until his a**hat personality garnered him enough nicknames.

Essential Puddyman facts:
This bastard was a feral-a** mo-fo until he was, like 4 years old. He’s just such a sassypants that one day he was like, “I bet these bipedal f**kwads would feed me and then he became a family cat.
Hates the p**s out of every other cat on the planet.
Bada** clipped ear from trap-neuter-return program.
Actual motherf**king bb bullet lodged under his skin from when some human a**clown took potshots at him. That’s right: F**king bulletproof up in here.
Missing half his f***ing teeth. Tooth disease can’t keep this motherf**ker down! Gums down his hard food like a champ.

pud1
Looks weirdly normal, doesn’t it?

This little a**goblin loves the s**t out of plastic bags. LOVES them with an unholy and impure love. Little scrotenugget will lick a plastic bag for hours if you let him.

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And then there’s this.

Adorable little fartface isn’t even MY cat anymore. As soon as Sean moved in with me Pud was his cat forever and f***ing always. Even though I still get to feed him and clean his s**t.

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Even though Sean does s**t like this.

Just look at the cuteness rolling off this motherf***er like stink off a s**t.

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A-drawer-able

This little splooge thinks everything belongs to him. You find him everywhere he shouldn’t f***ing be.

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If not for sits, why is it perfectly Pudddy shaped?
pud7
Literally
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Every
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Where
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It mine.

My other cat is the Stu. Stu is short for Stuart, which is short for Stewie Small Fry, which is the dumba** name that he originally had, back before he was mine. He was such a tiny little fart of a kitten that this girl named him that dumba** name and then he grew up to be an enormous-a** motherf***er.

stu1
Majestic
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As f***

Essential Stu facts:
The Stu is huge, but is super d**n shy.
This jacka** has the tiniest f***ing voice. A little black panther walks up to you and then says “moo!” in the tiniest little voice.
Wants nothing to do with my b***h-a** when I’m asleep, but acts like I’ve been gone for years every morning when I wake up. A**hat, we could have been cuddling all night!
Love the f**k out of ice cream.
Not actually as interesting as Puds (no bullet holes, all his teeth), but nicer.

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The EYES

The Stu is very hard to photograph well. He’s very pretty in person, but f***king black cats, man. They either look like shadows with eyes or the d**n walking dead depending on your flash.

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Zombie Stu

Stu is my cat. He loves me so much he would probably graft himself surgically onto my f***ing torso if that was a viable option. Last time we moved he spent the whole day hiding in the cupboard like a box of f***ing cereal until I got home from work.

Then I came home to this:

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OH MY F***ING GOD HOW CUTE
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I’d be like, “Give me space, bro,” But why would I ever want space from this!?

BONUS: F***ing toe beans!

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Puddyman has adorable toe beans, too. In many colors. But he’s a spicy kitty, all like “Get your whore-a** hands off my f***ing feet!” kinda spicy. So you only get Stu toes.

Stu is glamorous as f**k. Like, Kitty Ru-Paul motherf***er up in here. Just look at this sweet-a** kitty!

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Not everyone can pull off rhinestones.

Plus, true love means never having to s**t alone.

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Twoo wuv

2 Thoughts

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