Look at my F***ing Cats!

My cats are such adorable f***ing a**holes.

Trying to look innocent

Look at this chucklef***k. Look at his f***ing face!
This is the Puddyman. I didn’t get to name the cute piece of s**t. I got him as a grown up kitty and he came with the name Puddin’. Is that not some stupid f***ing s**t?
But the name stuck until his a**hat personality garnered him enough nicknames.

Essential Puddyman facts:
This bastard was a feral-a** mo-fo until he was, like 4 years old. He’s just such a sassypants that one day he was like, “I bet these bipedal f**kwads would feed me and then he became a family cat.
Hates the p**s out of every other cat on the planet.
Bada** clipped ear from trap-neuter-return program.
Actual motherf**king bb bullet lodged under his skin from when some human a**clown took potshots at him. That’s right: F**king bulletproof up in here.
Missing half his f***ing teeth. Tooth disease can’t keep this motherf**ker down! Gums down his hard food like a champ.

Looks weirdly normal, doesn’t it?

This little a**goblin loves the s**t out of plastic bags. LOVES them with an unholy and impure love. Little scrotenugget will lick a plastic bag for hours if you let him.

pud 3
And then there’s this.

Adorable little fartface isn’t even MY cat anymore. As soon as Sean moved in with me Pud was his cat forever and f***ing always. Even though I still get to feed him and clean his s**t.

Even though Sean does s**t like this.

Just look at the cuteness rolling off this motherf***er like stink off a s**t.


This little splooge thinks everything belongs to him. You find him everywhere he shouldn’t f***ing be.

If not for sits, why is it perfectly Pudddy shaped?
It mine.

My other cat is the Stu. Stu is short for Stuart, which is short for Stewie Small Fry, which is the dumba** name that he originally had, back before he was mine. He was such a tiny little fart of a kitten that this girl named him that dumba** name and then he grew up to be an enormous-a** motherf***er.

As f***

Essential Stu facts:
The Stu is huge, but is super d**n shy.
This jacka** has the tiniest f***ing voice. A little black panther walks up to you and then says “moo!” in the tiniest little voice.
Wants nothing to do with my b***h-a** when I’m asleep, but acts like I’ve been gone for years every morning when I wake up. A**hat, we could have been cuddling all night!
Love the f**k out of ice cream.
Not actually as interesting as Puds (no bullet holes, all his teeth), but nicer.


The Stu is very hard to photograph well. He’s very pretty in person, but f***king black cats, man. They either look like shadows with eyes or the d**n walking dead depending on your flash.

Zombie Stu

Stu is my cat. He loves me so much he would probably graft himself surgically onto my f***ing torso if that was a viable option. Last time we moved he spent the whole day hiding in the cupboard like a box of f***ing cereal until I got home from work.

Then I came home to this:

I’d be like, “Give me space, bro,” But why would I ever want space from this!?

BONUS: F***ing toe beans!

Puddyman has adorable toe beans, too. In many colors. But he’s a spicy kitty, all like “Get your whore-a** hands off my f***ing feet!” kinda spicy. So you only get Stu toes.

Stu is glamorous as f**k. Like, Kitty Ru-Paul motherf***er up in here. Just look at this sweet-a** kitty!

Not everyone can pull off rhinestones.

Plus, true love means never having to s**t alone.

Twoo wuv

2 thoughts on “Look at my F***ing Cats!

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